Rodney Dangerfields Best One-Liners

Rodney Dangerfields Best One-Liners Rodney Dangerfield had captured the minds of his audience with his ribald, in-your-face humor. Dangerfield expired on October 6, 2004, and his death created a void. It is almost difficult to smile at jokes, but his quotes remind us that laughter is the essence of life. So lets go on with the memory of the legendary comedian while we read  Rodney Dangerfield  quotes. General Humor People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon... Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I dont understand a word theyre saying. I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck. I have three kids, one of each. I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push. Boy  what a hotel that was. Why, they stole my towel! I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said, On your mark... What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. Childhood Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it. I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local  restaurant,  I sat down and had  broken  leg of lamb. I came from a real tough neighborhood.  Why,  every time I shut the window, I hurt somebodys fingers. I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a  sling shot. I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps†¦ from moving cars. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasnt a professional; the knife had butter on it. Family My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies. My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, hes in the fruit section. I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs. One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! With my old  man  I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff. My old man, I told him Im tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor. When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, Im very  sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through. I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War  my great uncle fought for the West. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. Im so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. Boy,  is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public  school  she was voted most likely to conceive. Age Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. At twenty, a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy, he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he cant. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous†¦ everyone hasnt met me yet. Funny Incidents For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper. The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it. Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money. A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii†¦ no days, just nights. Last week, my tie caught on fire; some guy tried to put it out with an  axe. Doctors I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. I went to the doctor because Id swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood -  he ran a tab! I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. Whats wrong with me? He said, I dont know but your eyesight is perfect. Last week I told my psychiatrist, I keep thinking about suicide. He told me from now on I have to pay in advance. Sex Im at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep, they will have someone to talk to. My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed.  Actually  she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. A girl phoned me the other day and said, Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. With girls, I dont think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex. Im taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I dont know if Im coming or going. I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didnt see the mouse trap. I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees. I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, No, one drag is enough. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. Im a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me. Self My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good. One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. You wanna  have  laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two. I found there was only one way to look thin:  hang out with fat people. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said,  okay, youre ugly too. Im so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big Id get. I was such an ugly kid†¦ when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician, I would be honest. I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing. I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didnt even know it! Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H. I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. This morning, when I put on my underwear, I could hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys laughing at me. His Wife My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion. One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, Hey buddy, why are you doing that? He said, Because you came home early. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I havent spoken to my wife in years. I didnt want to interrupt her. Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, No, but I did get the license number. With my  wife,  I  dont get no  respect. I made a toast on her birthday to the best woman a man ever had. The waiter joined me. My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. I asked him, Who said you could fool around with my wife? He said, Everybody. Ill tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed.  Yeah, I leave. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. My wifes not too smart. I told her  our kids were spoiled. She said, All kids smell that way. My wife has to be the worst cook. Ive got the only dog who begs for Alka-Seltzer. Theres only one thing wrong with my wifes face - it shows. †¦went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. Surprise me, I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife. My wife has to be the worst cook. I dont believe meatloaf should glow in the dark. My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. I went to look for a used car and found my wifes dress in the back seat. I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg. My marriage is on the rocks again.  Yeah, my wife just broke up with her  boyfriend. My wifes a great driver; she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit. My wife was afraid of the dark†¦ then she saw me naked and now shes afraid of the light. Why,  her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

Round vs. Around

Round vs. Around Round vs. Around Round vs. Around By Maeve Maddox One of the differences between American and British English is the usage of the words round and around. Americans use around in contexts in which most British speakers prefer round. The word round has five grammatical functions: noun, verb, adjective, adverb, and preposition. The fighter was able to go another round. (noun) We watched as the runner rounded first base. (verb) Do you want a round plate or a square one? (adjective) The bridge was out, so we had to go round. (adverb) The tiger ran round the tree. (preposition) Round came into the language as a noun meaning â€Å"a circular object.† At various times, the â€Å"circular object† was a racecourse, a ring, and a coin. In a text from 1325, round is the word used for a diadem encircling the head of a man in a painting. Chaucer used round in the sense of a globe. In Macbeth, Shakespeare used round as a word for a sovereign’s crown. Around was formed from the noun round by adding the prefix a-, a variation of the prefix on-, creating an adverb that meant â€Å"in a circle.† In some contexts, British speakers use round and around interchangeably; for example, either â€Å"He put his arm round her,† or â€Å"He put his arm around her.† Otherwise, according to a note in the British English section of Oxford Dictionaries, there’s a general preference among British speakers to use round for â€Å"definite, specific movement,† and around in contexts that are less definite. For example, She turned round. A bus came round the corner. She wandered around for ages. The computer cost around  £3,000. According to a rumor circulating around the track, he’s using steroids. American usage sometimes reflects British usage by using round, but around is more common. Although the Oxford note says that in most contexts, â€Å"round is generally regarded as informal or non-standard,† I haven’t found anything in Merriam-Webster or the Chicago Manual of Style to indicate that using round the way the British do is â€Å"non-standard† in American usage. It may be old-fashioned, but it is not unknown in American writing: By the rude bridge that arched the flood, Their flag to April’s breeze unfurled, Here once the embattled farmers stood And fired the shot heard round the world. Ralph Waldo Emerson, â€Å"Concord Hymn,† 1837 I should like if my sisters are well and all the people round the neighborhood. letter from Peter Van Wagener (son of Sojourner Truth), March 22, 1841 The usage is still seen in emails and web comments by American speakers: We live downtown and I take them round the neighborhood, A mother talking about taking children trick or treating in Sacramento, California. One of the latest scams going round is that someone will stop you and ask if you are interested in perfume, email debunked on Snopes.com/. The strange form ‘round crops up in both British and American contexts, but as round is not a shortening of around, and as there’s no law against the American use of round to mean around, the apostrophe makes no sense in either dialect. Want to improve your English in five minutes a day? Get a subscription and start receiving our writing tips and exercises daily! Keep learning! Browse the Misused Words category, check our popular posts, or choose a related post below:75 Contronyms (Words with Contradictory Meanings)Using the Active Voice to Strengthen Your WritingPreposition Mistakes #3: Two Idioms

Health law assignment Essay Example | Topics and Well Written Essays - 750 words

Health law assignment - Essay Example nd Affordable Care Act (PPACA)2 by the congress was not to be perceived as an act of the government requiring that all citizens should purchase a health insurance for its own sake, but rather should be perceived from the point of view that it is a law seeking to cover universal risks (). In this respect, any legislation that seeks to cover universals risks of the citizens falls under the powers of the federal government to regulate activities that â€Å"substantially affect† interstate commerce. Thus, the introduction of the collision insurance, under the â€Å"Collision Insurance Requirement and Traffic Safety Act (CIRTSA)†, is a measure that falls under the same category of protecting universal risks. This is because, the introduction of collision insurance is targeted at ensuring that all citizens have their cars covered on the event of an accident, not for the sake of their own cars, but to protect the universal risks that are exposed to citizens when their cars cla sh. This is because; the loss of individuals’ cars during a car clash has the negative effect of causing such individuals to undergo high financial blows, while also affecting the livelihoods of the individuals, through negative consequences such as losing jobs. Therefore, through the introduction of the collision insurance, the universal livelihoods and interests of the people will be protected, since they will be compensated for their losses when their cars clash, thus helping them avoiding the financial blows, as well as avoid losing their jobs. In this respect therefore, the introduction of the â€Å"Collision Insurance Requirement and Traffic Safety Act (CIRTSA)† falls under the mandate of the federal power to regulate activities that â€Å"substantially affect† interstate commerce, because it is meant to protect the universal risks to all citizens, which is within the federal mandate under this clause. Secondly, under the ruling in the case Gonzales v. Raich [2005] 545 U.S. 1, it was provided

Child Labor in the Victorian Age Essay Example | Topics and Well Written Essays - 1250 words

Child Labor in the Victorian Age - Essay Example Unfortunately, as many of those in the government were for child labor, many laws and rules stayed the same, continuing to endanger the children in their workplaces. As most of the businesses during the Victorian age were industrial and factorial, "these were the places of employment that children were limited to and forced to work, so the working conditions were horrid, and not just for the children but for their elders as well (Horn, 1997)". In many instances, such as the coalmines and gas companies, the children worked amongst harmful gases and other potentially dangerous vapors. The outdoor industries, such as shipyards and construction sites, found the children working outside in all manners of temperature and weather conditions, from heat to the icy winters, harsh sunshine to foot upon foot of snow (Damrosch, 1104). As these children often came from poor families, they were unable to afford the proper attire to keep them protected during the changing weather conditions. Other dangers that were presented to the children simply came from the areas in which they worked. On a construction site or a shipyard, there was always the fear of falling beams or walls, stepping on nails, which often led to severe infections that caused disease such as tetanus, which could not be cured during that time and the children often died from it. The children were constantly at risk for getting injured in their workplace; they were too young to be properly aware of all these dangers, and the elders took little concern to the well-being of these children, with many of the elders viewing the children as disposable - it would not be difficult to hire another child if need be. In fact, most of the injuries and deaths on the job during the Victorian age were children, and neglect or unchecked safety issues often caused these. The children, as with the older workers, received few, if any, breaks during their workdays. They were permitted meals at the proper times, but those

Angel in the House Virgina Woolf Essay Example for Free

Angel in the House Virgina Woolf Essay Virginia Woolf was an English author. She was a feminist, publisher, essayist and critic. Woolf commonly acquired female authors Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte. Woolf analyses women and their struggles as artists, their position in literary history and need for independence in her works of literature. Woolf’s short story â€Å"Angel in the House† has a deeper meaning then just a female author sharing pointers and stories on how she succeeded in her career to another woman trying to become a successful professional. These personal encounters and struggles the author in the story discusses with the other women really expose how different women’s jobs were compared to men’s and recognizes that different approaches needed to be made by a woman in order to do well in her occupation. Women were not to be perceived more superior then men. The speaker of the story is clearly Virginia in Angel in the House. The fact that the woman in the story is a female author and continuously compares how being a professional woman is much harder than people consider it to be makes it obvious to the reader that Virginia is the speaker. She begins by sarcastically discusses how easy being a writer is and that she is unsure why someone recommended her to give advice on being successful because her job is so easy. The author says â€Å"to show how little I deserve to be a professional women how little I know of the struggles and difficulties of such lives, I have to admit instead of spending that sum upon bread, butter, shoes, stockings or butcher bills I went out and bought a cat†(Woolf 109). She starts off speaking about her profession in this manner because that was how men felt about being a professional author or critic or essayist. They believed that job was stress free. If this was an author who was a man though he would of never spoke down about his job like that, but it was strictly because it was a women doing it that they felt this way about the work. After talking down about being a professional writer, the author starts to tell the other women about inner struggles she has had to deal with in her profession. Inner struggles that men were not aware of. She speaks about a phantom that she named the Angel in the house. This phantom angel is referred to by the author as a she; she was pure, charming, sympathetic and selfless. This angel in the house made the author feel guilty for having her own opinion and personality. This phantom wanted every woman to have the same morals and characteristics as her. She was what a woman was supposed to act and think like especially in a society that men ruled. The narrator states she had to kill the angel in the house in order to become successful in her profession. This angel wanted to pluck the heart out of the authors writing, basically wanting it to be average and appropriate incase a man were to read it. Women who obeyed the angel and acted as she did were not living up to their fullest potential, allowing the men to outshine them. A woman does not discover herself until she kills that phantom, forgets what men expect and follow her own intuition no matter what.

Road Not Taken :: Free Essays

Critical Interpretation of â€Å"The Road Not Taken† by Robert Frost As a poem, â€Å"The Road Not Taken† is a great source of inspiration and able to be understood by all readers from an intuitive reader to a novice poem reader. A short poem with 4 sections, Robert Frost has given the main theme of the poem in its title, â€Å"The Road Not Taken.† Depending on the reader, the â€Å"road not taken† can ultimately imply any journey in life in which a decision between two paths must be made. â€Å"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood† provides the introduction and gives the main idea that a path must be chosen from two roads. Frost has further added to the drama of the decision in that both paths are desirable with â€Å"and sorry I could not travel both.† Frost implies that the path to be chosen is a personal decision in â€Å"and be one traveler.† In describing the two paths, Frost uses reverse language to describe. The first path was â€Å"bent in the undergrowth,† meaning it was well worn with no opportunity for overgrowth. The second path was â€Å"grassy and wanted wear† meaning it was overgrown and lacked wear (or a path). Frost foreshadows his decision by his use of language in describing those two paths. With both roads or paths equal, ultimately a decision must be made with no regret is the meaning Frost is providing in â€Å"And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black.† As Frost has made his decision as to which path to pursue, he introduces another idea that after traveling the selected path perhaps he can come back to the philosophical fork in the road and chose the other path. But then he reminds himself that as one decision leads to other decisions and time moves on, he will more than likely never be able to get back to this point in his life or journey. Road Not Taken :: Free Essays Critical Interpretation of â€Å"The Road Not Taken† by Robert Frost As a poem, â€Å"The Road Not Taken† is a great source of inspiration and able to be understood by all readers from an intuitive reader to a novice poem reader. A short poem with 4 sections, Robert Frost has given the main theme of the poem in its title, â€Å"The Road Not Taken.† Depending on the reader, the â€Å"road not taken† can ultimately imply any journey in life in which a decision between two paths must be made. â€Å"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood† provides the introduction and gives the main idea that a path must be chosen from two roads. Frost has further added to the drama of the decision in that both paths are desirable with â€Å"and sorry I could not travel both.† Frost implies that the path to be chosen is a personal decision in â€Å"and be one traveler.† In describing the two paths, Frost uses reverse language to describe. The first path was â€Å"bent in the undergrowth,† meaning it was well worn with no opportunity for overgrowth. The second path was â€Å"grassy and wanted wear† meaning it was overgrown and lacked wear (or a path). Frost foreshadows his decision by his use of language in describing those two paths. With both roads or paths equal, ultimately a decision must be made with no regret is the meaning Frost is providing in â€Å"And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black.† As Frost has made his decision as to which path to pursue, he introduces another idea that after traveling the selected path perhaps he can come back to the philosophical fork in the road and chose the other path. But then he reminds himself that as one decision leads to other decisions and time moves on, he will more than likely never be able to get back to this point in his life or journey.

How typical is England to Her Sons Essay

How typical is â€Å"England to Her Sons† of the poems in this section of the anthology. Happy is England in the brave that die. This is a line from â€Å"Happy is England now†. In my opinion it sums up the section as a whole because it is stating that the people of England wanted the soldiers to fight and they respect the sacrifices the men have made. The whole section revolves about the acknowledgment of the deaths of the soldiers and also the acceptance of it. Personification is used in England to her Sons and Happy is England Now about England itself. It conjures u a motherly and maternal image of the Motherland towards the soldiers going out to fight. Moreover, it unites England and makes it seem everyone had a positive attitude towards the war when it is mentioned that â€Å"happy is England now as never yet†, which implies that the whole of England is proud and glad that the soldiers are going to war. Happy is England Now projects a very strong and patriotic message of making sacrifices and protecting this picturesque England with â€Å"her hills, rivers and her chafing sea†. It uses natural imagery to stir up a desire to protect the land where these soldiers were born and raised. Moreover, a sense of experiencing this â€Å"Happy England† caused by the sacrifice of war, is created by the intensified senses created in the last stanza where birds â€Å"sing the sweeter in our English ears† and nobleness that â€Å"shines the purer† in their English hearts. It would have created a longing for people to be part of this wonderful land, and therefore they would have wanted to have protected it. Symbolism also has a large presence in these poems and it gives the poems depth and more complexity. England to her Sons uses symbolism to create a sense of ownership of the soldiers, â€Å"Sons of mine I hear you thrilling† and it is also implied that she â€Å"bore† the children† which the Motherland then sends to war. In Fourth of August, the symbolism is used to make the soldiers seem very young and naive, â€Å"Spirit of England, ardent eyed† which makes the soldiers seem very keen and apprehensive, but also innocent and defenceless. Finally, symbolism is used to create a religious link between the War and the â€Å"destroying dragon† which Saint George, who represents England and her Soldiers, slays to protect his people. The soldiers in this section are made heroes for being martyrs. This is shown especially in Fourth of August on the last two lines, â€Å"We step from the days of sour division into the grandeur of our fate†, which shows that the soldiers and people believed that it was a good thing to die for ones country. This is also emphasised again in England to her Sons, where it creates a great sense for the soldiers and England, as they accept the death of their â€Å"sons†, â€Å"save a little space to weep†. â€Å"And the worst friend and enemy is but Death†, is a reference to Peace, and it just emphasises that even though â€Å"Death† reaps them of their lives, it also enables them to come closer with their Maker, God. Overall, England to her Sons represent this section of the anthology very well, because it includes everything that this section is trying to convey to the reader. It shows the sacrifice of England and the soldiers who give their life, and it projects the religious message of God, who will send them to heaven for their good deeds. Moreover it glorifies death by using euphemism, â€Å"And if He in wisdom giveth Unto His beloved sleep†, to acquire an acceptance of the soldiers. Lastly, it also shows the undoubting faith that the people of England had at that time, as they all believed that God would protect them and guide them to winning the War.